Whenever I listen to this song, I end up either screaming or crying. Or both. Usually both. I guess that makes the name of the album incredibly fitting. By the end of a play-through, the only thought that goes through my head is, “What the fuck is going on?” I end up a broken mess, but somehow feeling better for it. Maybe that’s because I’m a broken mess all the time, but I can put it out of my mind until something like this reminds me of how fucked up I am and how fucked up the world is and how fucked up social relationships are and how I can’t seem to fit in anywhere with anyone. Yet, I still feel better because I’m reminded I’m not alone, there are others that feel this way. I feel like maybe it’s normal to be fucked up.
That last paragraph is probably perfectly summed up by one of the lines in Old Glass Table. “And I guess that’s feeling sorry, but I guess that I just don’t care.” I’d try to find my own words to say that, but My Pizza My World has already found the words to make the point better than I ever could. Old Glass Table is one of those songs that has some quality in it through which I am able to immediately see myself. I know exactly what they mean in every single line (or, at least, I’m able to position myself in relation to the lyrics in such a way that I fool myself into thinking that I understand how the writers feel, even though truly knowing such a thing is impossible). It finds the words to describe how I feel in a way that has always eluded me. “Feel alone in a crowded room.” Why won’t my social anxiety ever go away? “And I’m not gonna hold your hand and I’m not gonna tell you I’ll be there cause I won’t. I’m already dead.” I always feel unable to help my friends struggle through life because I’m already too exhausted from living with my own issues. Then there’s the chorus. Holy fuck, that chorus. Somehow it manages to run the gamut of all my issues, from body image problems and eating disorders, to dropping out of life, to my inability to face reality, to loneliness induced insomnia. And it doesn’t even stop there. The song never stops expressing all of the thoughts and feelings that I never can. Wishing I was normal because normal people seem so happy. Fearing psych meds because they get rid of every feeling I have, not just the negative ones. Drinking so that I can somehow find a way to make it through the next day. I can’t help but scream along to the the lyrics, because in some way vocalizing what’s inside makes it hurt a bit less, even if they’re not my own words.
It’s pretty rare that I hear a song like this, a song that makes me feel accepted and like my emotions are valid. I wrote most of this up months ago, and I never published it because I didn’t feel like my emotions were valid enough to share with anyone. But I’m tired of that. I’m tired of holding it all in and only expressing myself in spurts of self-destructive anger. I want other people to know why the songs I care about mean so much to me. I want other people to understand why the music I listen to is one of the most important things in my life. I want other people that experience similar feelings while listening to this music to know that they’re not alone. I doubt this message will reach anyone like that, but I guess it can’t hurt to try.
Go check out (and hopefully buy) the whole album here.